it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
false alarm, still single
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Randomize
