she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
