my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
