I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
