I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
