Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Randomize
