My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
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You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
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And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
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