....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize
