Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Randomize
