i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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