I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Randomize
