i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
