If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
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