I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Randomize
