Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
wat bout pragnant strippers??
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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