i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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