I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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