Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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