My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize