We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
Randomize
