There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
