im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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