I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.