I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
he thought i was a dude.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
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please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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