I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
