Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
it was like having sex with a tree stump
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Another day, another engagement, another cat
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
