I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
