I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Randomize
