My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
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