You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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