If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
FUCK WHALES
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
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