Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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