My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
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