i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
Randomize
