but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Randomize
