break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
