The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
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dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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