dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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