I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
