Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
