the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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