I never want to see another naked old woman again.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
Come see our sink grown plant.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
You've changed since you got that strap on
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
