You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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