She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
