Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
