Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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