these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
19 Of The Creepiest (Most Inexplicable) Things People Experienced
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?