Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
