i used baking grease as lip gloss
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Randomize
