theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
