I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Randomize
