Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
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