How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Randomize
